Detached
by stillwakingup
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have had enough.
1. Unplugged

**Thank you for taking the time to read this fanfic! I will work my best to update is as much as I can. By the way, all trolls are human in this. Tw: suicide Tw: self harm **

You get through the day as best you can, holding onto the hope that things will get better. But they don't. They never do. So you go through the process of each day, not really there, just going through the motions. You're like a an electrical plug, but you're not plugged into the outlet. You're detached. You get up. English, History, Study hall, Lunch, Science, P.E, Math, Art. You go home. You go on the internet. You sleep. Repeat. Everyday. And the cycle never stops, it just get's more redundant and cruel. Life kicks you in the face over and over, and by now you just let it happen. You are tired, and sad, and goddammit you have had enough.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and today is the last day.

You get home at the same time you do everyday. Today would have been like any other, except it wasn't. The reason for that is today you have a plan. You're going to do it, after all these years of thinking about it. And the thought makes your lips curl up into a sad smile. This is it. You're not coming back. Like you'd want too come back to this rotten existence anyway.

You drop you back pack and head to your room, sitting gingerly on the foot of your bed. Everything is here exactly as how you left it the morning before. Walls a charcoal gray, posters of your favorite romcoms and actors hung here and there, your computer, and your collection of books. All of it was still here. And it would all still be here when you left. Everything would be, nothing would change. You didn't make any impact on this world and well, maybe it was better that way. Maybe that would make it easier to go. And it did.

A sigh escapes your lips and you feel your eyes prickle with the warning sign of tears. But they aren't necessarily sad tears. They're just tears. You were always crying now and you had zero control over it and you hated yourself for it. You were weak and stupid and god be damned if you weren't sure about doing this before you were sure now.

You look under your bed, movements becoming more and more frantic. And then you find it. You open up the shoebox to find razor blades and pills, the pills which had only been there since yesterday, when your planning had all wrapped up and you made your decision. You take the razor blade in your hand and hold it gently until the metal warms up from the heat in your palm. Pulling up your sleeves reveals a battle field of scars and cuts. Some old, some new, all precious to you. Because as of late, cutting is the only thing that makes you happy. And you know how fucked up that is. You know and you can't stop because in they back of your mind the feeling of deserving to be fucked up battles with the feeling of deserving to feel such delicious waves of pain and ecstasy and escape battle each other. They're both winners.

Taking in a deep breath you drag the razor blade across your arm in a swift, deep motion. There it is. The release. The little burst of light behind your closed eyelids when you cut deepest, it's all there and it's all welcoming. You do this again, several times, before grabbing the bottle of pills. You look over the tiny orange bottle in your hands. This was it. Today was the day. And for a second, you thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. But then you remembered how much of a failure you were, all the people that deserted you, all the disappointments and snide remarks and scorned laughter and tears that were left undried as a child because your dad was busy out being a thug. You remember every moment from the first day of school to now and it overwhelms you so much you don't have the space in your head to second guess yourself and in a second the bottle cap is on the ground and your swallowing pills one by one as fast as you can and then there you are, empty pill bottle in hand. Your head spins. And you lie down.

You're so tired now, and you let your eyes fall shut.


	2. Trust me

You wake up. You're in a hospital room, and everything is quiet. No one else is in the room except you and you're pretty damn confused. You lay in the hospital bed for a bit, staring at the ceiling, before all at once it hits you, and when it does, it hits hard. You remember it all, the cutting, the pills, the overwhelming distress you felt. The memory slaps you and you feel your eyes prick up. God, you couldn't even kill yourself correctly. You hate yourself more in that moment then you ever have in your entire life. The thought of just getting out of bed and flinging yourself out the 6th story window is so deliciously tempting, but you're hooked up to a bunch of wires that you're not really sure how to get out of and you don't really have the energy. So you lay back down.

Your father and the nurse walk in a few minutes later. And god does your dad look pissed. Nothing out of the ordinary for you though, he's always upset with you. Never satisfied with you. Always ranting about one mistake you made today or one you could be making tomorrow and never fully noticing how hard you tried to get his approval. Smug bastard. You barely have time to continue this thought before a swift slap to the face is delivered to you by your father.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" your dad spits out, an aggravated sigh escaping his lips as he pinches the bridge of his nose. You just stare at him, without feeling. You hate him so much for everything. For being in that stupid mob. For driving your mother away. For all the nights he brought home strange woman when he promised not too. You hate him down to his stupid nickname all the way to the scar on his right eye. You hate him almost as much as you hate yourself, and that's saying something.

"they think it'd be a good idea to send you to the looney bin your bros been hanging out at." he says, the frustration in his voice showing. You pale, the blood draining from your face. He never mentions your brother. So you know he's telling the truth. But at the same time, you're a little relieved. You're being sent to a mental health hospital, where you belong. You won't have to be at home anymore. This thought, you think, could not get anymore morbid, and so you sigh, just as tired and frustrated as your father.

"when are they going to send me away?" you ask him, not quite looking at him, but not really looking away. The nurse chimes in, and you notice she looks so nervous standing next to your dad you feel sorry for her. You'd be nervous too. He's probably made it so hard for the staff in the time you've been here. "you'll be leaving when you're body becomes stable, so probably tomorrow. Lucky for you we were able to pump your stomach as soon as we did, or else you might have had to stay here longer." she smiles and it comes off as sincere, so you smile a bit to yourself. "alright." you say, looking down. You hear your dad sigh again "i got some clothes and shit packed up for ya, so I don't see the point in staying here any longer. Try not to get yourself killed again, kid." he says as he ruffles your hair and leaves, slamming the door. The nurse looks at you with sympathy before she leaves as well. You lay back down, staring at the window. So tempting...you think about jumping one more time before shaking your head and closing your eyes. You simply didn't have the energy right now, so you let yourself fall back asleep.

the next day you're woken up in the earliest hours of the morning. It's snowing outside, so it's quiet as the nurses unhook you from the machines and let you get dressed. You feel a bit better getting out of the hospital gowns and into your own clothes, now at the very least your ass isn't out there for the whole world to see. The nurse goes over with you that the people from the mental health center will come and get you around 10:00am. the nurse, you find out, is actually very nice. And when the van comes to whisk you away to the mental health center you're a little sad to leave her, because it's been such a long time since you've made a friend, or anyone's even been remotely nice to you, for that matter.

When you get there you're told the basic rules, no sharp things or drugs, not hats, hoodies can be worn as long as they are free of drawstrings, things like that. After they're done going over the rules with you and given you your room number they tell you who you will be bunking with. "lucky for you," the women in charge of student housing says to you "we decided it could be healthy for you to room with your older sibling. The Mr. Kankri Vantas, correct?" you feel your heart drop into your stomach. Kankri was...difficult. You only ever saw him on Christmas now, since the three years he had been sent away had passed. He hadn't gotten any better, was what the mental health center had told your father every spring. "if anything he's getting worse." they would always say. And your father always told them the same thing every year, "keep him longer then, knock some sense into the boy. He won't want to rearrange his vegetables anymore if you just kick him around a little." and your dad had tried that, too. Before they sent him away, that was your fathers method to try and control your brother. With beatings.

But it never worked.  
You can't just beat OCD out of somebody.

Snap back to reality and you're still sitting across from that women. She has baby blue eyes and short black hair, and the pin on her shirt says "Jane Crocker, representative of patient housing and substance abuse specialist" she seems nice, and she was looking back at you questioningly. "is that okay, Karkat? If you want we can try and find a different place for you to st-" "It's fine." you cut her off, reassuringly. " I have no problem with it."

She smile warmly at you, "good, then welcome to Skaia mental health center and rehabilitation clinic. We'll try our best here to help you along the road to recovery with the problem you're having." you smile back at her weakly. You hope she's telling the truth. You hope that this will help, if only a little bit.

when you and Ms. Crocker are through talking, she informs you that it's lunch time and gives you directions to the cafeteria, also informing you that the the patient guidance counselor will gather up all the patients after lunch for group, and when group is over that your brother will show you where your room is. Simple enough to understand, you think to yourself. As you enter the cafeteria you see severel patients miscellaneously sitting all around the room, eating their food. You go through the cafeteria line and get what looks like mac and cheese and some water. You look all over for an empty seat and find only one, at a table with 4 other children there. Two girls and two boys, consisting of an anorexic looking pale teenage boy with long black hair, a short looking girl with freckled cheeks and red hair wearing a hat that looked like a cat, a crippled mexican boy with a mohawk and a baby face, twitching nervously. And a girl with bobbed black hair reading a book.

You walk over to the table. "can I um...sit here?" they all looked up at you then. God you couldn't stand it when people looked at you. Or talked to you. Or thought about you. It was too much and you didn't know why but for as long as you could remember you just didn't know how to deal with interaction like that. The red head cat girl looked up at you and smiled "sure! You guys don't mind, do you?" she said, looking to her friends who were shaking there heads. "thank you..." you mumbled as you took your seat beside the crippled boy. You could physically see him scrunch up in his seat in an attempt to look smaller, looking anywhere but your direction nervously as he bit his lip.

What, did you smell or something?

"er, maybe it would not be wise to sit beside Tavros today. If you wish you may sit beside me." chimed in the girl who was reading. You move over to her quickly and notice Tavros let out a sigh of relief, going back to his meal. "don't take it personally, Tavros just isn't used to you!" the little red head girl chirped in happily. "it's fine..." you replied. At least you didn't stink on your first day here. That would blow. "I'm Karkat, by the way. I'm new here..." you say, trying to smile but it probably came out as a grimace. God, why did you have to be so socially awkward. "I'm Nepeta!" said the redhead "this is Equius, he's my bestest friend." she motioned to the anorexic fellow, whom you noticed, had not touched his food. Nepeta seemed to notice too, and sighed, but said nothing. She introduced the book girl as Kanaya, who gave you a quiet wave and smile.

Kanaya closed her book quaintly, looking up at the rest of the group. "perhaps we should inform our new friend on why we're all here, no use in keeping secrets." Nepeta nodded, which in turn made Equius nod, and Tavros just continued to look down at his plate. Kanaya continued "good I'll go first. I'm here because I have a severe case of schizophrenia, and am currently trying to find the right medication." Nepeta went next "i uh...I'm a heroine addict." she said, smiling sadly. Equius, who had the deepest voice you had ever heard, continued. "i don't even know why I'm here." Nepeta pouted and looked at him. "Equikitty you know why you're here. You have a disease." "the only problem I have is not being strong enough!" they bickered like that for several minutes before Equius just gave in and let Nepeta win the argument. Kanaya informed you that Tavros had incredibly severe anxiety of several types, plus insomnia. "well...it's really nice to meet you all." you replied when everyone was done, trying to smile again and this time having it come out slightly more genuine. Kanaya smiled back. "the pleasure is ours. Now Karkat, if you wouldn't mind telling us, why are you here?" you open your mouth to answer but hear the bell go off, signaling that lunch has ended. A blonde woman in a pink sundress (despite the incredibly cold weather) walked in, smiling. "alright rugrats it's time for group. Get your butts over here." she smiled wide, her hands on her hips. Nepeta ran over to her and glomped her. "Roxy!" "hey kitten, ready for group?" Roxy said, just as enthusiastically. "sure am!" Nepeta basically squealed. You saw a sort of sister thing going on between them and you smiled.

Kanaya, smiling as well, held out her hand. You looked at it, confused. "it's always best to go into something new, holding the hand of someone you trust. You trust me, don't you?" after you let her words sink in, you nod, standing and taking her hand. For the first time in a long time, you were looking forward to something.


	3. Baby steps

**sorry for such a short chapter! i had to kind of rush this chapter for school reasons.**

**anyways here's chapter three of detached!**

you walked into group with Kanaya for the very first time, hand in hand, nervous yet not as scared as you thought you'd be. These people are just like you. Fucked up enough to be sent away. No one could judge you in this room.

It was the first time you had felt safe in a really, really long time.

You sit beside Kanaya and the rest of the people you were sitting at lunch with and scan the room. You see two boys sitting beside each other holding hands, a blonde wearing shades who, like Equius, seemed to have an eating disorder, and a boy with raven black hair who seemed perfectly normal to you and honestly his nonchalant demeanor made you uncomfortable. The two boys sat beside a very tiny, frail looking girl with white hair and large green eyes who had possibly the saddest expression you had ever seen in your life. And for a moment, you felt bad. Because this girl obviously had worse problems then you to look that sad, and you couldn't even comprehend how terrible that must be for her. Sitting a little ways away from the group is a skinny lanky boy with messy black hair and, to your surprise, clown makeup. He was staring off into space, smiling like an asshole and right off the bat you knew he must be a druggie. You're gaze is directed to someone else when you notice him.

Kankri.

He sees you looking at him after a moment and gives you a small smile and polite wave. You wave back. You're happy to see him, but also nervous. Kankri makes you nervous for a multitude of reasons you can't really put into words. But you think he understands. The blonde takes her spot in the middle of the circle that all the patients had formed on the floor, and she sits on the floor as well. She smiles, cheery and exerting the type of energy only morning talk show hosts have."afternoon kiddos. How are we all feelin today?" the kids reply with a collection of muttered "fines" and you can almost see Roxy wanting to roll her eyes, but holding it back. You like her already.

"alright well, lets see how everyone's doing today. Who wants to start?" you see the blonde with glasses raise his hand weakly. "alright Dave, how are you feeling today?" he sighs and speaks, a thick southern accent surprising you. "I've been better I guess. Feeling pretty shitty, really." Roxy raises an eyebrow. "oh? Well would you mind telling us what's bothering you Dave?" her voice has no hint of interrogation whatsoever, just curiosity and a mothering caring. Plus, she seemed to give no fucks when Dave swore, so this women continues to win points in your book. Dave continues, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "they served pancakes for breakfast today." the boy holding his hand chirps in "Dave I only made you eat 2 pancakes! They were so tiny..." Dave crosses his arms across his chest, scowling. "i hate pancakes, John. You know I hate eating pancakes." John only sighed. Roxy, who had been listening the whole time, inquired "maybe you should write down why this is such a fear food for you, Dave. Then I bet John would be happy to help you in anyway he can." John nodded eagerly and Dave sighed again, this time it just sounded tired. This boy had to be the same age as you, and yet he looked so damn exhausted with life. Him and the white haired girl continued to make you feel shitty about how selfish you probably were, and you averted your gaze from both of them. "alright...I'll try." Dave finished speaking, going back to holding Johns hand and looking down, strait faced.

the next person to go was John, who you found out was a cutter like you. This surprised you, considering how happy he looked. The saddest ones you suppose, do smile the most. You remember in the beginning you did, but you couldn't hold it up for long. Nepeta goes next, talking about how much she's been jonesing for a hit of heroine lately, and Equius has to reassure her that she's stronger than her addiction. You're jealous of them. You've never, in your whole life, had someone who supported you like that. Kankri tried a little bit, but he was so unstable at the time. Always going into fits of panic about this or that, and his mind was to preoccupied with perfection to be able to help you. You don't hold it against him though, because you were just as unstable for your own reasons. The group makes its rounds and you find out the clown guy is named Gamzee who, big surprise, has a drug addiction to too many substances to keep track of. The white haired girl, Calliope, has a self harm and an eating disorder due to an abusive home life. Calli, to you, seemed like the kind of girl who would garden and paint in her free time. Always ready to help her friends, and it was a shame that she had the problems she did. You looked up at her and gave her a reassuring smile, and she returned it, looking up at you sheepishly. When it came time to hear what Kankri had to say though, you payed as much attention as you could. This was important. He was important to you in a way that you couldn't really describe, and you decide it must just be a brotherly thing.

"how ya feelin today, Kanny?" Roxy said sympathetically. Your brother sighed. "slightly better than I was yesterday." Roxy brightens visibly, and you realize it must be rare for Kankri to ever be doing better with anything, considering how long he's stayed here. "really? That's super good hon!" Kankri nodded and continued. "i was able to calm down from yesterday after a little while. The deep breaths thing you told me to do helped...but they had to be even numbered, so I apologize..." Kankri looks down, ashamed of himself. "it's okay Kanny, baby steps." Roxy says reassuringly. "just remember to write down in your journal tonight. It always helps to vent." Kankri nods, not looking as though he completely believed her. You don't blame him.

And then suddenly all attention is on you. Roxy is looking at you, the group is looking at you, and you squeeze Kanayas hand, terrified. You thought this would be easy but it's not. You thought they wouldn't judge you but they are, you think. Oh god this was a terrible idea why didn't you just jump out the window like you wanted to. Your thoughts are interrupted when Roxy says, just a little bit more motherly to you than to the others, "why don't you tell us your name sweetie?" you take a deep breath, here goes nothing "I'm Karkat Vantas." you say, biting your lip. Kanaya nods reassuringly to you.

"you wanna tell us why you're here hon?" Roxy says, smiling at you. "well...i tried to kill myself. And I have a cutting problem. And I'm fucking depressed all the time. So I guess that's the gist of it..." you bite the top layer of skin off your bottom lip like you always do when you're nervous and your eyes dart around the room at all the other faces. "well Karkat, we're gonna help you get past your problem the best we can in your stay here. No need to be nervous, okay hon? No one's going to judge you here." you nod, brushing your bangs out of your eyes. You feel a little better, but not by much. "alright kiddos, that ends group. Please go with your roommates to your dorms or the recreation room until personal therapy." Roxy says, standing. The kids in the room disperse and the first person to walk up to you is Kankri.

The rest of the kids take it as a sign to let you two be alone, and you're grateful for that. You open your mouth to say something but before you can you feel yourself pulled into a hug by your older brother. This surprises you greatly, since Kankri was never the huggy person. "why did you think it was okay to do something so foolish?" Kankri whispers, but he's not angry at you. He just sounds really sad. You feel like a really big piece of shit in that moment, because you don't think you've ever heard your brother so sad, not even when mom left, and you know it was your fault that he is. "I'm sorry." you whisper, hugging back gently.

He pulls away and looks down at you. "Come along now Karkat, I have to show you to our room." you nod and you two walk down the hall and up a flight of stairs in silence until you reach your dorm. You walk past the recreation hall where you see the other kids playing cards or watching tv, and you wave to them meekly. "Karkitty! Aren't you gonna come play with us?" Nepeta calls to you, and you shake your head. She looks disappointed, but she lets you be. You notice the only kid not in the recreation hall was Calliope, and you wonder briefly if she's okay. You and Kankri enter your dorm, and the first thing you notice right off the bat is just...the simpleness of it. Which, you think is putting it lightly.

The room has no posters on the wall. Nothing to show that it is lived in. everything is absolutely spotless, and the blankness of the whole thing is a little eery and unsettling to you. Kankri must notice this, and he pipes up for the first time in the whole walk there "i um...i tried with great precaution to make sure it wasn't too messy for your arrival." you are literally stunned by his words, considering you have never seen a room so clean in your entire life and he's worrying about it being too messy. "Kankri...it's perfect. Okay? But don't you think it's a little...blank?" your older sibling looks at you, confused. "Like fuck, don't you get bored looking at just white walls all the time?" he shakes his head. "i was trying to go for a minimalistic thing...i personally thought it to be calming...but you of course can do whatever you please with your side of the room." he gestures to the right half of the room which is perfectly symmetrical to the left, not a spot out of place.

You look back up at him and see him biting his lip, eyes looking back and fourth from each side of the room. You realize it must have been hard for him to give up so much control, and to let you have what you did of the room. "thanks Kankri." you say, smiling and going to unpack your things. He smiles back and carries your bags into the room. "once you get all unpacked you may go leave to the recreation hall if you'd like." you look at him curiously. The way he phrased that sentence was singular, and you wonder if he even communicates with the other patients at all. Now that you think about it, you don't recall him sitting near anyone during group. "are you not gonna come with?" you ask.

Kankri clears his throat, picking up a very thick book from beside his bed which looks very old, and you wonder where he might have gotten it from, or if there's a library here or something. "i have a lot of reading to catch up on. You can run along and play with the others." you roll your eyes at your brothers babying words. He's always been like this, coddling you, and it bugs the shit out of you. "Kankri, I'm 15 years old. I don't fucking "play" anymore, okay?" at this Kankri rolls his eyes as well, a smirk playing on his lips. "Just go get to know the other kids, okay?"

you sigh. "yeah yeah." you wave a goodbye turn to leave, going down to the recreation hall. This would be the first time in a long time you would be willingly "hanging out" with people. And because of this you smile to yourself, just a little bit.

Maybe these people would help you  
maybe things were looking up for you.


	4. wonder

**can you see some of the other ships i've inserted? because they're there. /sorry/ but yes, here is the new chapter! /also sorry if it's a tad short/ anyway, on with chapter four of Detached!**

you get to the recreation hall and

what

the fuck

is happening

everyone is crowded around in a circle, obscuring your vision from whatever it is they're all so interested in. but then you hear it, a female voice, about your age, cursing up a storm. "you think you're hot shit, don't you?!" she says, and god you already don't like her. She sounds like the kind of girl who would trip the fat kids at school, a head cheerleader type, always acting like she was better than everyone.

This was the kind of person that played role in your arrival here.

Fuck.

You hear Tavros's voice then, too, sounding scared and shaky and you can tell he's in tears. "p-please just let me go okay? I'm really sorry for uh, whatever it is I did. J-just stop hurting me..." you hear what you assume to be Tavros falling to the ground and the girl curse a few more times. To your surprise you see Gamzee go to pick up Tavros and kiss him on the top of his head, setting him back in his wheel chair.

God does everyone just hook up at this place or what.

The circle moves aside as the girl walks away, and you see her for the first time. Her hair was all blue, and she had a piercing in her nose, eyebrow, and lip. She was wearing ripped jeans and a black tank top with the number 8 on it and looked like she could beat the shit out of anyone that even looked at her funny. She pushed past you, growling a "get the fuck outta my way shithead" before absconding from the room.

You look back at the rest of the room, eyes wide, confused.

"who the fuck was that?"

you hear John pipe in from the corner of the room where him and Dave were hiding, not wanting to be apart of the trouble. "that was Vriska Serket. Me and Dave went to school with her and I guess she just got admitted today, probably from drug addiction or anger issues or something. She's evil, don't fuck with her." Dave nods and you look around at the rest of the group, and all of them are terrified.

"I'll make a note not too..." you say, sitting down in one of the chairs beside Kanaya. Kanaya was the only one to not look scared, but just a tad bit annoyed. You see her look to her side away from you and mumble something. "Kanaya?" you say, confused. She turns back to look at you. "hm? What is it Karkat?" "who...who were you talking to?" you look to make sure there wasn't anyone beside her, and there wasn't. Just an empty place on the couch. She smiles "my friend Rose of course. We've been dating for almost a year now, right love?" and she turns back to look at "Rose", who apparently said something humorous, making Kanaya laugh. "Oh...well it's nice to meet you Rose." you say, still a tad bit confused until you remember what Kanaya had said about having schizophrenia. You looked at Kanayas face and was saddened as you saw her gaze at "Rose" with love and adoration. She was in love with someone that wasn't there.

You hang around for a couple minutes, listening to Kanaya talk to Rose while you stare at an old rerun of Doctor Who that was playing on the tv screen that Dave was enthralled in. everyone got a day to choose what to watch, as Nepeta had explained to you as she wrote your name down on the tv whiteboard thing they had up to keep track. Your day would be Saturday. "which show would you like to watch Karkitty?" you think for a minute before finally saying Supernatural, since that was one of the only shows on tv that could keep your attention.

She wrote it down just in time as a man who was wearing the dumbest pair of sunglasses you had ever seen walked into the room, carrying a clip board. The man was tall and blonde, and actually looked a lot like Dave. The man spoke, in a thick southern accent just like Dave, to the group of children. "alright ya'll, Gamzee Makara, Nepeta Leijon, and Equius Zahhak have personal therapy first today." you had been explained that personal therapy worked like this: for an hour 3 kids would be in therapy with 3 different counselors, and then it would rotate with another 3 kids as the kids who were previously in counseling went back to free time. You wondered when your turn would be, and who your counselor would be, and how much of an asshole he would wonder a lot, you guess. Or at least you sure seem to be doing so a lot lately since you got admitted into this place.

An episode of Doctor Who later, the kids all came back. Gamzee seemed as unperturbed as he previously was, but Equius and Nepeta not so much. They both seemed equally distraught, and again, you wondered. You wonder what could have made them so upset. You guess maybe you'll ask Nepeta later, since you know her a bit better than Equius. The next three kids up were Dave, John, and yourself.

Oh joy.

This was going to be interesting.

You look to Kanaya, who had begun knitting some purple scarf thing, and she looks back up, giving you a reassuring smile. "just say what you're comfortable with. They can't make you say anything. If you wanted you could just sit there in silence for an hour." and for a second you considered doing just that. The idea was pretty tempting, but you figured if you had to do this, you might as well get something out of it. You had never gotten professional help from a counselor, and maybe it would be good for you.

You walk down the hall a little bit behind John and Dave, who were holding hands like in the cheesy romcoms you watched back home. But as cheesy as it was, you couldn't help but feel jealous. They were happy, at least when they were with each other. You'd never had that in anyone. No one could ever find it in themselves to fall in love with you, or wanna be with you. Maybe you were just too fucked up. That was what you always came back too at least. Maybe you just never gave anyone a chance.

Oh, the wondering, it never ceases.

When you reach the door of your counselor you open the door, hand shaking a little, to the picture of a man in a dark green sweater typing away at a computer. He turned around and his voice had a British accent, adjusting his glasses with the motion. "ah! Karkat, it's very nice to see you. Please, sit down." his smile was warm and sincere like Roxy, but he seemed like much more of a scatter brain. His desk was cluttered with papers and he seemed unorganized. You weren't sure how you felt about him.

He motioned for you to sit down, waiting eagerly to start, so you sat in one of the chairs nervously. He smiled, crossing his legs. "tell me a little bit about yourself Karkat. How do you think you got to this point?"

oh god.

This was going to be a looooong story.


	5. not your fault

**thanks for all the nice feedback you guys! here's the next chapter of detached.**

he looked at you expectantly and you wondered what to say, where to begin, and the idea of not speaking at all was becoming more and more desirable. But you had to do this. You had to say SOMETHING, if only one word. It was the only way you'd be able to go back to the hall with out feeling like a coward.

Inhale. Exhale. You've got this. God he was still staring at you, smiling, but it wasn't as unnerving as you had expected it to be. He had understanding in his eyes, as if he'd been where you had been maybe at one point. That maybe he was still hurting. "alright." you speak up, surprising him a bit. "i don't really know where to start...but I think it started around the time I was seven, I guess? I just started realizing my life was kind of a lie, if that makes sense. Like my dad is some sort of mobster and that's why he was always leaving, and my brother has OCD but I didn't really understand that at the time. It just kinda seemed like he was persnickety about shit in a really outlandish ridiculous emotionally devastating kind of way. And I found out my mom hadn't really died she just kind of ran away because my dad was an asshole and she wasn't ready to have kids."

he nods as you speak, not doing the "oh's" that some counselors did that made them sound like they were watching a sad movie on bullying. Non of that pity shit. If he did that even once you wouldn't speak at all the rest of the sessions, or any sessions after that. "do you have a hard time trusting people, then?" he asks, looking at you. But you shake your head. "i think maybe the thing is I trust people too much. Or at least I used too. I trust everyone except myself and when people pull shit on me it's like i'm breaking."

you have no idea where this is all coming from. You guess you've had a lot of time to psychoanalyze yourself, considering how much time you spent alone, pent up in your room. Or sleeping. It was all you did in your final days before coming here. You slept because it was warm and quiet and nothing hurt and it was the most lovely thing you had ever experienced. You think about telling him that but decide against it. That would be off topic.

"so then, do you not trust yourself to make good decisions, or do things right?" he questions again, and you notice he's scribbling something down in a black notebook. You hate that. What is he writing. You don't know and the sound of his pen running over paper is like someone grazing unintelligible words into your brain where you can't even read them. You stare at his pen for a solid five minutes before he snaps his fingers, snapping you back to reality as well. "well chap? Did you hear my question?" he doesn't look angry or annoyed and your grateful because the school counselor would have, she had more important things to attend to then a teen boy staring at her pen. But Mr. English wasn't like that and it was pretty fucking cool.

"i...i don't think I can really decide anything. Or do anything right. I have proof, I mean, I'm here aren't I? This is where people who fuck up go." you look at him and you think he may be a little surprised by your honesty but he doesn't say anything, as he continues to listen. "I'm just a dirt bag teenager who couldn't even live. That's literally the easiest thing you can do. Breath in, breath out, keep walking, and live. But I couldn't do that. Or more so, I didn't want to. I didn't want to do it anymore because I was lazy and tired and didn't want to deal with it anymore because I'm a piece of shit." he looks at you, sympathetically. "life is hard Karkat. There has to be something in your life that makes you want to keep going and by golly, it sounds as though you didn't really have that. It's okay Karkat. You're not a piece of shit" and it was only then you realized you had started crying.

God you promised yourself this wasn't going to happen.

Looks as though there's another mistake that you've made.

He hands you a box of tissues and you take it, wiping your eyes and blowing your nose."Karkat, I'm going to tell you something that you need to know okay?" you look at him, expectantly, waiting for him to continue. "it's not your fault." and he says it in earnest and you don't remember the last time someone had said that for you. You nod, looking at him with eyes full of appreciation. There's a knock on the door and you hear that one southern guys voice droll "times up. Next patient in 5." you can almost see visibly sadden and you wonder if he has history with the other man. You don't have time to finish your thought though, as your counselor escorts you out kindly, shaking your hand and saying he was looking forward to the next visit.

You decide against going back to the recreation hall, you wanted to lye down for a bit. Talking about all your issues had really sucked a lot out of you. When you get to your room, you see Kankri bookmarking his page and setting it on the bedside table, carefully adjusting it so it lined up straightly. "Oh! Hello Karkat. How was your first session?" you sigh, sitting next to him. He seemed less antsy then he was before you saw him last, which for some reason made you less antsy as well. His calmness was contagious, it always had been. "it was emotionally exhausting, is what it was." you reply, leaning your head back to look at the perfect white ceiling.

"ah." he says, understandingly before he continues. "the first time always is." you feel him pat your shoulder gently, the motion soothing. "you gonna go to your session now?" you ask, curious. He nods and hands you the book he had been reading. "in the time I will be gone, I suggest you give this book at try. I think you would find it to your liking." you look at the very large book he had placed in your hand, titled "Les Miserable". You didn't really have anything else to do in the rest of your free time until dinner, so you decide, what the hell, it was worth a shot.

"alright, well I'll be off then." Kankri spoke as you continued to look at the cover. He ruffled your hair a little bit before leaving, shutting the door softly. Your gaze snaps away from the book and you lift a hand up to touch your hair gently. That sure did feel...different. It made your heart jump a little when did it, such a very simple yet loving gesture, and you weren't sure why. Perhaps you had missed him? Well, of course you had. Three years without seeing your older brother would be an obvious strain.

Yet still, you were confused. Kankri had always been a pretty big nervous wreck before he came you, and he never dared touch anyone, or else he would royally flip his shit. So why now, was he being so brotherly and nice, ruffling your hair like that? Did he really miss you so much? Maybe he had, and the idea made your heart flutter manically in your chest again. Maybe he had really gotten better in the time he had been here. But you looked around at the all white walls, and remembered his raw reddish hands that had became that way from excessive hand washing. And you doubt he's gotten much better at all in the three years he's been here.

So it had to be something else. But what? And why?


	6. Intermission

**alright ya'll let me lay down somethin for ya**

**i am currently editing THE FUCK out of this story because honestly, i feel like it could be looooaaads better. not quite sure how much the story will be edited, but at least try and skim the chapters once i've edited them okay. **

**i'm really sorry i haven't been updating this omg. :( i'll get on that i swear.**


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